Grief and Loss

I am not good at processing grief.
I am terrible at it.

My first response is always to blame myself, asking what I could've done better.
"If only I..., if only I" it's frustrating.
At one point in my life I realize that I grew to never let myself feel too deeply.
Use my brain cause it won't cause me pain that much. But then I felt empty.
I tried to get better but I didn't know how.
Trying to find a sweet spot between using my brain and my heart without feeling like an idiot, or like a robot, or sometimes both.

Sometimes when I am alone, I'd like to think to myself and I would feel so terrible for many things that happened. I am angry.
Angry for things I couldn't get, things I should let go.
I felt angry for not being able to keep them in my life, and I am sad because I have no power over it.
It has been painful. A silent pain that I never recognize until I am lonely and have nothing to do beside thinking to myself.

That was when I realized that moving on and repressing my feelings are two different things.

Until this afternoon.

I remembered a great line from Barney Stinson when he got divorced.
He said that it had been an amazing marriage between him and Robin, so great that it only lasted for 3 years.
Come to think of it, he must've been devastated.
However, that line was so great and I just know a lot of lives changed because of it.

Maybe for all things I have lost, I should be grateful that God let me have them at some points in my life.
Although it has passed (and most likely will never return), I am grateful that He let me feel joy.
I was blessed with a happiness so amazing that I must feel such yearnings when they're gone.

Ah, what do I know?