What could've been

It has been so long since the last time I wrote something.
My life these days is so full of things I feel deeply. However, I don't know why I barely have the urge to write things out like I used to.

Now I am back to work remotely, again.
Never thought I'd do this for the second time yet here I am stuck in my room since apparently Covid 19 decided to haunt our lives one more time.
I've been having an itchy throat for 3 days now and I'm still waiting for my PCR result (hopefully I'll stay covid-free please)

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I know it's vain to wonder about things that could have been.
All the choices we made and the situations we faced, all have led us to this very moment.

Sometimes I feel weird about being where I am at the moment.
I feel like I don't deserve what I have. Sometimes I feel like I deserve more.

Frankly, I often blame this pandemic for what happened.
For the things I hate to feel but have to feel eventually.
For the things I would like to experience, but couldn't.
Why did I act like a loser?
Or maybe I actually deserve to feel mad?
I once felt like my youth was robbed and it was cut short without my permission and I had to just wing it. Just wing it and fake it until one day I forgot what I was mad about.

I have spent months or even years now trying to invalidate my feelings since I felt like there are many people who experienced things worse so I don't get to be mad.

But hey, we all get to be mad sometimes.
We fight our own battles.

Now that I can't see this pandemic ending anytime soon, maybe I just really need to wing it for real and accept the fact that life will never be the same.
Probably not in a bad way, just in an unknown way.