A memory

It was a typical Friday evening.
I got back from the office where I went for an internship.
Jakarta's traffic jam was the worst and it really put me in cranky mood.
I took a quick shower, ordered some junk foods, and put some nice music on speaker in the living room.
I lived alone in an apartment near downtown.
It felt liberating somehow to have all the privacy by myself.
I put on my pajamas and watched Keeping Up with The Kardashians on TV.
I stayed away from my phone and let my mind wander a little.

I was busy preparing my final bachelor thesis on weekend and doing an internship on weekdays.
Kind of tiring but it was a good kind of tired.
Ah, maybe this is the life I was looking for, I thought then.

I just broke up from an almost 3 years of a relationship and I questioned myself a lot at that time.
I never really wanted to get back together or something, I just felt uneasy for weeks.
But, whatever, right? I was about to embark to a new kind of life somehow.

Then I saw Kimberly on TV checking on her phone, so I thought yeah I'd check mine too.
I grabbed my phone on the coffee table and then I saw new email notification and the subject is ":)".

Turned out it was a farewell message
from someone I knew for 7 years but never really met.
It was a 5-minutes read long and probably the most emotional mail/letter I have ever received.

Despite all the warmth yet oddness that our relationship was made of, he was the first person to teach me how to see myself as someone worthy.
Years and years ago while I was just this helpless, insecure teenage girl,
I always leaned on him whenever I felt small.
I was so happy to think that there was someone out there rooting for my happiness though we probably only contacted each other once or twice a year in the last 4 years after 3 years of intense communication.

And then he said goodbye. For good.
Told me that he did give me tons of lies during all these years and that he was not even a real person.
He was happy to ever knew me then he promised me that he'd never return or even took the smallest step to reach me.
Just like that and he was completely gone from my life.

What is all this?

I could not handle so many withdrawal at once, I thought.
Without realizing it, I wept all night.

The first person to believe in me more than I believe in myself,
the first person to help me see myself worthy,
just told me that he was a fake and left?
It hit me right in my head and I wonder if what he said about me years ago had been true or did I just believe in lies for years just to make myself feel good.
Despite all that, I thought yeah maybe it's true that some people will only be relevant for certain amount of time.
After that it was just me trying to adapt with new way of living.
It was like an ultimate goodbye for my clinginess to all those hazy teenage years.
Then I continued eating McDonald fried chicken that just arrived.
I ate and ate while watching KUWTK on TV until I found myself falling asleep on the couch up until the morning.

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And then I thought... what is all this anyway?
nothing but beautiful lies?