What If

If there's anything I know about myself is that I hate "What If" feeling so much since I couldn't stand experiencing lost without trying.
All my life I believed that the feeling of regret by not doing things you want is way worse that the regret you feel by actually doing it.
Why? Because we only live once and moments don't come and go as per our request.
But lately that thinking started to change. I start to believe that some things are better left unsaid or undone. For greater goods.

I have tried to repress my needs and requests because of course we can't always get what we want. However, the curiosity got me many sleepless nights. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think clearly, I got distracted, and kept on thinking what would happen if I could have a little bit of control over the situation.
Years ago, when I was younger and dumber (especially emotionally), I did confess my feeling for a guy I liked because I couldn't stand to wonder "what if" for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I did send an honest email with my identity and real background to a celebrity whom I found so disrespectful just to tell him his toxic behaviors and what could he do to better up himself.
Do I regret those stuffs? Surely not
Then... did things change the way I wanted them to be? Surely not
But deep down in my heart I know that I didn't leave stuffs be without trying.

Sometimes things worked out wonderfully too.
Like when I decided to go to Papua for my first project assignment, telling my boss what I didn't like about how we worked although it made me sweating like crazy at first, or to stand up for myself and actually set my boundaries to rude coworkers.
Because some things need a little bit of an extra push to work out well.

Sometimes things didn't go either bad or good. Or maybe I just don't know yet.
Like when I decided to start a relationship with a person who meant so much to me as a friend and then ended it because of the most absurd reason.
Just like how I hate wondering "what if", I also hate being a disappointment.
However, I also start to realize that it's not possible for someone to always satisfy all parties.

I used to think decisions we make is to pick between good or bad, as I grow up I know that sometimes it's about picking between bad or worse.
That's why I started to think that maybe some things are not meant to be done or said.
Not that I regret my decision, in fact I am thankful for having the gut to do all of them, I just didn't realize that accepting consequences would be this hard.
Sometimes things got bad, sometimes things got great.
But it never hurts to try if you've thought about it long enough and you're willing to bear the consequences.
Ah yes, the consequences are my least favorite part.
But you never know how long a moment will last, how long a person will live, or how long a situation will stay relevant.

So confess your love, apply to your dream job, switch your career should you want to, try that new hobby you keep on talking about.
Make up your mind. You never know where it would lead you.
As for myself... well... here I am almost turning 23 in less than a month, stuck in my house, single again, and still trying to be mature enough to accept what it's like to be an average salary-woman trying to find out where I belong in life.
In the end of the day I just want to be able to live with no regrets and say proudly that I did it all.

How about you?